Use This Simple Framework To Get Free And Happy - The Tool Of Your Ego
90% of humans couldn't explain to you what their Ego is.
95% of humans couldn't tell you how it works and what the user manual looks like.
99% of humans suffer in life as a result.
The ego floods your daily life with negative thoughts and emotions.
Today alone, you've experienced a form of mental suffering and frustration because you don't really know what your ego is or how it works - leading to:
worrying, overthinking, anxiety, impatience, anger. (Life is only 5/10)
On the other hand, when you confidently understand your ego, life can be filled with:
positivity, happiness, gratitude, understanding, open-ness, evolution, inner peace, connection and love. (Life can be 10/10 - bliss and ecstasy).
What are you meant to do with your ego?
Dissolve it? Nurture it? Befriend it? Destroy it? Grow it? Love it? Transcend it?
Is it a good, or bad thing? Should you aim to grow your ego in a healthy way, or let it diminish completely?
The Ego topic is Trippy
The ego is a complex topic in human potential and transformation. It's also the topic that will allow you to excel in life to dimensions you never knew existed. Or to experience happiness, connection, purpose and love on levels you didn't know were possible.
Or, remain trapped by your own limiting beliefs and mindset - like being stuck in the prison of the mind.
The deeper you go, the very path of life and inner work reveals to you that the mind and ego is an illusion and there is only one thing in existence, Self.
This is from a non-dualism perspective.
But for most of you (99%?) reading - it doesn't help to just jump to a final conclusion that the ego is an illusion. That won't make sense to most people, or help you, nor did it to me.
So lets dial it back a few notches and work with a system that makes sense to you, where you are right now, on this plane of consciousness and understanding.
That way, you can take this knowledge into action to become your true Self, and improve in different domains in your life:
Your career advancement
Improve your relationships
Be a nicer person to be around
Become happier
Have meaning in your life
Become healthier and wealthier
The below will make sense first from a dualistic perspective. The non-dual aspect will develop with time.
Let's be real where you are right now on the path
I can almost guarantee that any time you're ever overthinking, anxious, worried, stressed, angry, impatient, jealous = the lower vibration human emotions which make us feel shit...
You're tangled up in your ego.
But when you don't know what your ego is, if it's invisible to you, then it's very difficult to get out of that tangle.
So, what do you do, then?
Well, you stay stuck, and you suffer for much longer than you need to.
The longer you suffer, the more negative thoughts you experience, which creates more negative emotions and feelings in your body.
This literally zaps and lowers your energy, attracting only more suffering next time round.
So you can spend your life not knowing how to get yourself out of this tangle, and experience life to be worse than it has to be... or you can get a hold of, understanding, and practices to help you untangle.
Let's put our Self-compassion jumper on and settle in.
Welcome to the wave - a newsletter designed to open your mind 3.33% at a time.
And what happens when you open your mind? You learn, unlearn, you forget, remember, you evolve, and slowly start to love your life.
When you love your life, you attract what you love and you become a vessel for service and evolution - making the world a better place. This gives you meaning in life.
The Ego Edition.
My Ego Trip
I remember vividly the precise moment my inflated sense of self introduced itself to me. It's one of my earliest memories at primary school. We had moved to the North-East of Scotland to a small seaside town called Stonehaven. I must have been between 7-9 years old when it happened.
I came home from school and went to my neighbor's house. She was a very loving, kind, warm sweet older lady named Anne. She used to give me these delicious sweets covered in sugar dusting when I visited her. RIP Anne.
I was standing in her living room on top of her beautiful blue patterned rug, and I specifically remember when she asked me how school was going.
"It's great, I'm the fastest boy in my class and I'm the best boy at football in my class.''
Why is this memory etched into my brain?
Well, our memories are normally installed when they made us feel a certain way.
So why do I remember this memory? Well, I obviously felt great, proud and happy at the fact I was the fastest boy in my class.
So here it comes, who exactly is the 'I' in this little boys body who was so stoked to boast to his 70 year old neighbor?
Let's expose your Ego right here, right now
Have you ever been in a conversation with a group of people when someone mentions something like 'that person has such a big ego. Can you believe their ego? What a crazy ego. He's such a dick, big headed know it all'.
And something inside yourself felt attacked or insecure, something contracted within and made you feel weird and somehow even scared? Ego.
You experienced overthinking, worrying, anxiety and felt a sense of separation with the world, your friends, family and life? Ego.
A driver cut you off in traffic and gave you the finger and you felt an insurmountable amount of rage rush through your veins that you wanted to shout or chase them down? Ego.
You smiled at a stranger on holiday and they just gave you a weird look back? That contraction feeling? Ego.
You walked past a group of people and they were pointing at you and cleary talking about you? And you felt strange inside? Ego.
When your ego runs your life, that is the experience you will have. Contraction, fear.
The Ego your Mirror:
Imagine the ego as a mirror that reflects your sense of self-image and identity.
Just as a mirror can distort or enhance your physical appearance, the ego can distort or enhance your perception of yourself and others.
By understanding the ego as a mirror, you can learn to recognize when it's reflecting a distorted image and work to see yourself more clearly, without attachment or judgment.
This happened to me around 6 years ago, I was still experiencing this contraction.
Why did I feel that way? What happened between being a little boy and then years later? What was going on with my mirror?
Well, my ego started to develop more and more throughout primary and high school.
Everyone's ego develops differently. It depends on when and where you grew up, who with, who your friends were, how your parents raised you... AKA how societal and cultural conditions shaped your identity.
I had a big ego in high school. Why? Well, I was a part of the 'cool kids' circle. We all had big egos.
I was bullied a lot throughout high school - by the same circle of 'cool kids' I was a part of - about my body. As a defense mechanism to cope with the bullying and shame, I built a strong wall and ego to deal with it.
The problem was, I wasn't aware of the ego one little bit, what it was and how it was affecting my life. Why would I be? No one ever taught us in school what the ego was.
Unfortunately, when you don't know what your ego is, it actually controls your life. It runs the show.
Until you take concrete steps to learn about it, understand it, and integrate it, you are not in control of the one thing you actually have control over... how you respond to life.
Therefore the ego can make life like heaven or hell.
So fast forward to 2024 and I can tell you I know who I Am, what and who my ego is, and I know how to use it to make the world a better place. To be successful. To enjoy and love my life.
And you can too.
Hold on, I thought the ego was a bad thing?
Here in with lies a big problem and misconception.
The ego has a bad reputation:
I'm sure you've heard it portrayed in a very negative light before
You've heard someone complain 'That guys ego is out of control' or 'She is so egotistical... could their head get any bigger?'
Arrogant people with 'big egos' have marketed the ego a highly negative aspect of being human
'Check your ego at the door. The ego can be a great success inhibitor. It can kill opportunities, and it can kill success'.
— Dwayne Johnson
The hard, cold truth is... we all have an ego - it is simply part of the human experience, whether you like it or not.
What is the ego? Well its Latin derivative is the word 'I'. It is our identity. Who we think we are. It's our sense of self-worth. (Not Self-worth).
However, you first need to understand there are a variety of ways of defining the ego based on the below lenses to get a clear picture:
Freudian Psychoanalytic Theory (maybe your yawning at this one)
Spirituality (or maybe your yawning at this one?!)
Humanistic / Positive Psychology
Mr Freud and his ego
In Freud's classic psychoanalytic theory, the ego refers to the part of our personality that mediates the demands of the id (our primal urges and needs), the superego (our moral conscience) and reality.
Having a healthy ego is important, but having an inflated sense of self can lead to problems.
The Spiritual take on ego - What happens when Ram Dass and Eckhart Tolle walk into a bar?
The teachings of Ram Dass and Eckhart Tolle have been most impactful in my life, so I'll use these two pioneers of Consciousness to dive into the spiritual side of ego.
My first glimpse of Spiritual Awakening came in 2018 when I read 'The Power Of Now'' by Eckhart Tolle.
What do I mean by that?
Well, before knowing anything about living a 'Spiritual' life, the only other life I knew was the 'Material' life.
Reading that book was the moment my brain cracked open, a part of me woke up, and realized life wasn't at all what I thought it was, and 'I' wasn't who I thought I was.
Up until that point, I lived my entire life identified with my never ending stream of thoughts, my feelings, body and emotions. From Eckharts pov, I was fully identified with my ego (small ego - more on that below).
Have you read The Power of Now or A New Earth by Mr Tolle? If not, please, please read it. It may just change everything for you, as it did for me. In all fairness, it won't strike everyone because it depends on where on the path of life you are right now.
What does Eckhart say the Ego is?
The false sense of self that is based on identification with your mind and the continuous stream of thoughts
It's responsible for a person's sense of separateness, fear, and suffering
Identification with the ego limits our ability to live in the present moment, and experience inner peace and fulfilment in life
You want to experience inner peace and fulfilment in your life as much as possible, right?
Going further into this, the ego is:
The mental construct we use to define ourselves as separate individuals. It includes our thoughts, beliefs, memories, and emotions, and it creates a sense of identity and personal history that can be limiting and divisive
The ego is often associated with a sense of self-importance, competitiveness, and attachment to material possessions and social status
We can become trapped in our egos and lose touch with our true nature, which is pure consciousness and awareness
From Eckharts teachings - the ego is accompanied by your 'pain body'.
The pain body refers to the accumulation of emotional pain and trauma stored within you.
It consists of:
negative emotions you have experienced and not processed, like anger, fear, sadness, and shame
It's often triggered by external events or internal thoughts and memories.
It's an energetic entity that thrives on negative emotions, fueling drama and conflict in our lives.
When we overly identify with our pain body, we can get trapped in negative thought patterns and behaviors that sustain our suffering.
Both the ego and the pain body can obstruct our ability to live in the present moment and find inner peace. By recognizing and observing these aspects of ourselves without judgment, we can diminish their influence and connect more deeply with our true, higher Self.
You know exactly what I mean by your pain body, right? It's when your physical body is flooded with negative energy. You can literally feel it.
It starts in the mind as thoughts then your energy shifts and leaves you feeling sad, down and heavy. When your stuck in your head and can't get out.
This manifests as anxiety, worrying, impatience, lust, distrust, greed, anger. It's a sort of contraction feeling.
Think of when you felt your happiest vs angriest. When you were angry, your pain body was activated. When you were happy, you felt light and free. Your pain body was de-activated.
When your pain body is active, you're no fun to be around. You can sense it in a room, when you just feel 'the vibe is off' - that's because someone's pain body is highly activated.
The worst thing is, it can spread from person to person. It's contagious, just as happiness is. So be mindful about your pain body and start to recognize when it has been 'activated' by something or someone.
A really good trick to implement when your pain body is activated is to:
Observe it, feel it, label where in the body you feel it - sit with it for a moment
What is it that triggered it? Can you look at it from a different perspective? What happens when you look at the sky above you? Is there a growth opportunity here?
Take 3 deep breaths and list 3 things your grateful for, this will help to dissolve the pain body asap
So Eckharts teaching really is all about looking at the ego as a negative aspect that we should aim to become completely free of and live our lives in the present moment. If we are present, then we are aware. Awareness and ego cannot co-exist. If we are aware, we are free.
So what's the opposite of ego? It's the experience of presence. Present moment awareness of the only time that's ever existed, Now.
That means when your truly present and encompassed in awareness, there is no ego.
Being able to tap into this present moment awareness is a gift, yet it takes practice. The easiest way to start cultivating it in your life is by learning how to meditate and meditating on a daily basis.
That means, meditation is a tool which directly dissolves the ego.
The goal isn't to dissolve the ego in the meditation itself (although this does happen) but its all about affecting your life outside of the eyes closed meditation, in eyes open experience of life.
Alright, let's drop some LSD and talk about Ram Dass.
Joking, but let's talk about Ram Dass.
Ram Dass is one of my greatest mentors, teachers, gurus, friends. No, I never met him.
Whenever I'm struggling with anything on my journey, I turn to Ram Dass.
His teachings are relatable, down to earth, and just funny as heck. He always reminds me to stop taking everything so seriously. He makes you realize spirituality is just life, and that it can be a beautiful and profound game.
If you're enjoying this post - afterwards, get some headphones on, lie down in a cosy place, close your eyes and listen to this track which has Ram Dass' voice guiding you.
Bonus, check out this book of his. It's beautiful and potent. 'Polishing the mirror'.
‘The Ego is an exquisite instrument. Enjoy it, use it - just don't get lost in it.’
-Ram Dass
I tried practicing Eckharts advice for a while after reading the Power of Now. It helped a lot and really opened my eyes and mind to who and what I really was beyond my mind. It went hand in hand with learning to meditate.
But at the same time, completely labeling the ego as this terrible thing didn't seem like the full picture.
But then I found Ram Dass and things just clicked - thank you for introducing him to me, Anto - this introduction changed my life.
He taught me that I should be using my ego, as long as I don't get consumed by it.
'There are planes of consciousness, and I think human beings exist on two planes of consciousness, the soul and the ego. The ego is a tool. You don't separate it. It's a tool for the Spirit.''
-Ram Dass
Ram Dass made it clear to me you shouldn't be trying to separate from your ego. Or kill it.
Instead, to actually enjoy it and use it as a tool.
A tool to live a meaningful, joyful life filled with love, kindness and compassion.
To use it as a tool to continue deepening your relationship with Life.
As a tool to fulfil your potential and come to be in love with Nature itself and be a part of progressive evolution.
In the words of Alan Watts, “Getting rid of your ego is the biggest ego trip running.”
Mr. Watts above speaks utter truth here from a non-dual perspective, he's referring to the illusion of ego.
But for our sake - to take some actionable advice away from this as 'beginners' of Spirituality - we'll spin it differently, that way you can come to Alan Watts conclusion when the time is right.
You have 2 different mechanisms going on inside of you:
The Head (intellect, ego, mind)
The Heart (intuition, higher Self, Truth)
And both are necessary: you in fact need your ego to function and survive in 3D reality.
But there's also the Heart - or the 'Atman', or 'Soul'.
Your intuitive wisdom that allows you to flow (not fight) with life, and be the truest version of yourself.
What made it easier for me to wrap my head and heart around was this;
The 3 layers of Being human
Inside of each of us we have:
The ego - Let's name it the self (notice the small s in self) - our tool to get by in life
The 'Higher Self' ego - Let's name it the higher Self (notice capital S in Self) - our true nature and identity
The lower ego - Let's name it the small ego - this is the part of you that identifies with separation, fear, worry, anxiety, and all the negative thought forms and emotions
To evolve spiritually, you don't need to destroy the ego or the small ego, it's all about not identifying with either of them as 'me' and to discover and know the true you comes from your higher Self - the Heart.
'You still need the ego as a functional unit so that when I’m talking to you I realize there’s a you and a me and I’m talking to you on this plane. I’ve also gotta have my heart open so that at another plane I’m just talking to myself. Right? These are two planes of reality. Because it’s God talking to itself.'
-Ram Dass
Swami Vivekananda said that:
'The ego is a lousy master but a wonderful servant'.
This ties it up perfectly. The art in life is to convert your ego into being your servant.
This is one of the most important and powerful insights you'll ever download.
Once put into practice, with patience, awareness and time... it has the ability to completely transform the way you experience life.
From the day to day moments alone behind closed doors, to interactions with others at work, in a coffee shop, with your family... this builds momentum and impacts your entire life direction.
When you use your ego as a servant, you will experience:
joy
satisfaction
purpose
Funnily enough, these are the 3 ingredients for true and lasting happiness.
And you will experience less:
anxiety
worrying
victim mindset
impatience
anger
resentment
fear
Using the ego for self expression, self-discovery and to fulfil your potential
Humanistic Psychology emphasizes individual experience, self-awareness, and self-actualization in understanding the human ego.
According to this perspective, the ego can be seen as a tool for self-expression, self-discovery, and fulfilling one's potential. It can also be used to promote well-being.
Similarly as the spiritual perspective, we can use the ego as a tool to fulfil our potential and transform our life and the lives of others into something profound and beautiful.
The problem sneaks in when we don't keep our small ego in check, and it begins to grow, intensify and inflate. We've moved away from our higher Self and into the small ego.
How to identify with your higher Self, become aware of your small ego, and use your ego as a tool to fully love your life
Firstly, you need to become crystal clear in differentiating between your:
higher Self - your human essence beyond thoughts & emotions - pure consciousness - conscious expansion
self (ego) - the tool you use to express yourself, fulfil your potential in the world and practice self-discovery - the vehicle
small ego - the negative identification of thoughts & emotions, rooted in separation, competition and fear - unconsciousness contraction
This. Takes. Time.
And it is a never ending process and practice. It's not about killing or destroying the small ego.
It's about becoming who you truly are.
It starts with daily practices and awareness. In as many moments as possible, you want to start to understand and feel into whether your thoughts, actions and behaviors are coming from your Self and self - or small ego.
Your number one goal right now should be becoming more and more aware of whats going on inside of you on a daily basis. Make awareness your goal and everything else will sort itself out. What's important right now is the current step you are on, on the path of life.
You don't need to be trying to get 2 or 3 steps ahead of where you are. That will only lead to frustration and more small ego.
We are interested in small, consistent, baby steps.
This isn't about making huge moves like quitting your job and going to India (that's where I'm at right now).
It's about becoming more Aware.
You want to start to shine awareness on any part of you that is still feeding the small ego, and only use the Self and self in daily life.
This will lead to the eventual insight that the small ego was an illusion all along, and all that really exists is Self.
You can get this intellectually of course, but that means your ego gets it. What you want to come to is your own direct experience of this.
Like we said earlier, do not go hard on yourself here. You will find your small ego popping up, a lot.
But the important thing is now you are aware of it, before, you probably weren't.
What is it that's becoming aware of the small ego? The higher Self. Awareness. Consciousness.
This awareness slowly starts to dissolve all the negativity and fear in your life.
The easiest ways to move forward
Constriction vs Expansion and PACKER
Remember, the easiest way to accept and move beyond your small ego is to become aware of it. The easiest way to recognize when your small ego is present is the feeling of contraction.
When you feel contracted - a kind of tightening, especially in the stomach, throat or heart area - this means your small ego is controlling your life in that moment.
Once you've become aware of this contraction - practice PACKER
Patience, Acceptance, Compassion, Kindness, Evolve, Repeat.
The opposite of this - aka Self - can be identified when you feel a sense of expansion - lightness, radiance, connection.
Check in daily, am I contracting or expanding ? Can I continue to expand even after I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back? Or do I contract and fall into lower ego again?
PACKER.
This will get easier and more powerful with time.
Keeping a Trigger Journal
Start a new section in your journal called 'Triggers'.
When does your small ego get triggered?
What causes it to feel separate?
What causes you to experience impatience, anger, frustration?
Start noting down in your journal at the end of the day what triggered you and your small ego. The only way to get in the driver seat is to become more and more aware of it.
A lot of the time what will trigger your ego is another persons ego. Don't fall for it. If this is the case, it's the master of your life. Not You.
Look beyond both of your egos in that moment and recognize the truth that you are in fact connected with everyone and everything. When you get deep into it, as you look into another person's eyes, your literally staring right at yourself.
The most powerful tool of them all; Meditation
I've been meditating since 2017 and have taught hundreds of people to meditate since becoming a teacher in 2021.
This is without a doubt the most powerful tool you can use to evolve into your full potential and to experience true Love for Life.
I won't get into the details here, but if you've tried to meditate before and thought:
you had a ' very busy mind and couldn't manage to clear your mind'
or you 'couldn't do it'
or that it 'wasn't for you'
then you had the wrong teacher or the wrong technique and no one explained to you properly how your mind works.
When you learn these simple and powerful insights, meditation is easy, effortless. If you want some support to finally kickstart your life changing meditation practice, check this out.
Meditation is all about consistency. Regardless of the technique you practice or how you learn - meditate daily. It's the only way it will truly transform your life.
This has led me to being absolutely in love with Life.
Daily Reminders & Affirmations
Another powerful way to support you on your next steps is to practice daily affirmations and give yourself reminders of who and what you are.
If you want to be extreme, get out a sticky note and write on it
'I am loving awareness'
'I will not be controlled by the small ego'
'I live my life with confidence, love, joy and ease'
'I Am present and awake'
'I am the conscious creator of my reality and live my life in abundance and positivity'
'Life is intelligent and I trust the process'
Put that sticky note on your bothroom mirror, or your bedroom door.
Look at it first thing, every morning.
Or, set up daily reminder notifications on your phone to check in with how your day has been going, contraction or expansion? Fear, or love?
Start living for the process, not the outcome
Learn to detach from outcomes and expectations that your ego often fixates on. Instead of seeking validation or approval from external sources, focus on your internal values and motivations. Start falling in love with the process of things rather than being attached to the outcomes.
Compassion & Metta
Practice self-compassion and compassion towards others is a game changer.
Recognize that everyone struggles with their ego at times, and that compassion dissolves the barriers created by the ego.
You can foster deeper connections and a greater sense of empathy, both towards yourself and others. This one take practice and commitment but will lead to new levels of your potential and happiness.
Where are you, really?
Ask yourself this... right now, is your small ego the master or the servant? On a scale of 1-10?
Does this number change hourly, daily, weekly? What about on your average week?
We all have an ego when we start out on this path.
As a human having a spiritual experience, an ego is part of the contract.
But, you never know, at some point on the path, maybe you'll realize your a spiritual Being having a human experience, and the ego was in fact an illusion all along.
You first have to become aware of the small ego to ultimately realize it doesn't exist.
Only the higher Self remains, it's all only One thing. Aham Brahmasmi.
But there's no use trying to skip stages to come to this insight, you have to enjoy the adventure of life and let it be your teacher.
In summary, you have two mechanisms going on inside of you:
The Head (intellect, ego, mind)
The Heart (intuition, higher Self, Truth)
And both are necessary.
Taking it a step further - within the mechanisms we find:
The ego - self - our tool to get by in life - self discovery and self expression
The 'Higher Self' ego - our true nature
The lower ego - this is the part of you that identifies with separation, fear, worry, anxiety, and all the negative thought forms and emotions
To evolve, to understand yourself, and become who you really are, to discover your purpose and to truly love your life:
First you have to become aware of what's going on inside of you on a daily basis.
Practice building and increasing awareness of the present moment and your triggers.
Understand when, where and why you are contracting or expanding. Let this be your compass.
And don't feel disheartened when your ego gets the better of you. Because this will happen. Again, and again, and again.
Stay patient, trust the process. It will lose its grip on you every time you become aware of it. And slowly, it will transform from your master into your servant.
I whole heartedly believe if you don't practice this with intention and compassion daily, then your ego is more your master than it is your servant.
And this is the case because it has been programmed into you. It's powerful stuff. It's ingrained in you before you learn about it, you don't even realize its controlling your life.
Use 'The Ego Starter Pack' and build it into your daily routine or habits.
Constriction vs Expansion
Trigger Journal
Meditation
Daily reminders and Affirmations
Process > Outcome orientated living
Compassion and Metta
So now, you have to de-program it and re-program the new setting into your mind and life. Kindness, openness, understanding, love, connection, joy, purpose.
You will trip, you will fall, and your ego will eat you and knock you down. You'll get angry, bitter, upset... keep going. Be patient. Get up. Every. Single. Time. The illusion will slowly start to fade, and Self will slowly start to prevail.
Thank you for tuning in.
I have 2 open spaces for 1:1 transformation coaching.
This is 3-6 month program in helping you step into your full potential and living a life of fulfilment. Getting clear on your life vision, values and goals - and helping you build and achieve them to live a life you truly love.
Hit reply and let me know if you want to jump on a 30 minute discovery call for more information.
And if you want to learn a bit more about meditation, have a look at this.
'The offering up or cleaning up ego stuff is called purification. Purification is the act of letting go. This is done out of discriminative awareness. That is, you understand that you are an entity passing through a life in which the entire drama is an offering for your awakening'.
-Ram Dass
Embrace the drama. Let it be your greatest teacher.
Much love,
Robbie
